Thursday, September 28, 2006

1:27AM - ok

I don't understand time. It seems to move so slowly but yet when reflecting on the last two months it seems that so much has passed. I wish I could say this was all good but it wasn't. I have had a major slap in the face that God is real and He is the one who has the world in his hands. I can think all I want that things won't happen to me, but they can and there is no reason I should think they won't. I wish that I could fast forward to ten years down the road when this is all supposedly easier. The healing process is so much further along and the hard times are fewer and farther between. Right now, neither of these is true. There are so many things each day that rise up anger, bitterness, sorrow, fear and angst in me. I want them to all go away. This makes me think of the movie Garden State where the main character finally makes the decision to go off all his meds. Once he makes this decision he feels emotions, good and bad. I suppose I should be thankful for my emotions. I sure don't want to be apathetic in this time but I hate hurting. The one thing I know for sure is Jesus is my best friend and He is holding me so close right now, I can't tell where I end and He begins. He is my true love.

Current mood: unsure

Current music: none

Monday, June 5, 2006

8:40PM - hell

well... i am currently sitting in the library trying to finsih this 8 page paper that must be done by tomorrow morning. i also have to miraculously find some time to study for my two finals tomorrow. i suppose i can't complain since i spent my entire weekend hanging out and dancing (literally) so... yay for having fun and then getting super stressed. by tomorrow at 3 i will be the happiest person ever, ok not really but in comparison to me today it will seem like it. ok back to work now.

Current mood: stressed

Current music: talia's mix it up playlist on iTunes!

Friday, May 26, 2006

Monday, May 8, 2006

Friday, April 21, 2006

10:35AM - Good song

I had never heard of this group but I just found them and love their music. Read this song, it's good. Just thought I'd share it because I enjoy it.

THE HAND SONG, by: Nickel Creek

The boy only wanting to give mother something,
And all of her roses had bloomed.

Looking at him as he came rushing in,
without knowing her roses were doomed.

All she could see were some thorns buried deep,
And tears that he cried as she tended his wounds.

And she knew it was love, it was what she could understand.
He was showing his love and that's how he hurt his hands.

He still remembers that night as a child, on his mothers knee.
She held him close and she opened her Bible, and quietly started to read.

Then seeing a picture of Jesus, he cried out:
"Mama he's got some scars just like me!"

And he knew it was love, it was what he could understand.
He was showing his love, and that's how he hurt his hands.

[instrumental break]

Now the boy is grown and moved out on his own.
When Uncle Sam comes along.
A foreign affair, but our young men are there.
And luck had his number drawn.

It wasn't that long till our hero was gone, he gave to a friend what he learned from the cross.

But they knew it was love, it one they could understand.
He was showing his love, and that's how he hurt his hands.

It was one they could understand.

He was showing his love, and that's how he hurt his hands.

Current mood: peaceful

Current music: nickel creek, duh!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

8:34PM - Can anybody tell me what's going wrong?

Well... I just sat down to do my homework so of course I am instead doing something else. Fab and I just finished touring apartments for next year. Oh man, I am so excited. There are ones that we found that we like the most which have a completely separate study! Isn't that insane??? We have no idea if we will get it we sure hope so. I wish I knew what was up for next year. Mom has no idea and neither do I. These are the times where I just have to lean on God (even though I should be all the time anyway) and say, "Ok, I have no control and no say in what happens so just keep me posted." I have been so amazed by the astonishing number of people who are praying for my family and offering to help. I am really looking forward to going home this weekend. I have to be honest: I don't always look forward to going home. I end up getting all stressed out and every time I come home reality hits me. In some ways I think it is harder for me at times because I get so much time away from everything. Then, when I come home it's a realization of how much everything sucks and is hard. But this happens every time I go, it just gets harder each time. Since I am not there everyday I feel that I can sometimes see the differences more. No, maybe it's not that but more that they hit me harder because for me the change comes in huge waves every other weekend instead of little ripples everyday. Life at school has not been the easiest thing recently. I have been really stressed with a particular friendship that is tearing me up because I cannot figure out what to do in it. I've been looking for scholarships. I got one! My first scholarship ever!!!!! It was for such a random amount: $493. Whatever, it's money and it paid for my car to get fixed. What else? Ummm, school has been hard for me to keep up. I'm glad I am taking less credits this quarter because it has been really hard for me to focus plus I'm working more hours at my job. Whenever I sit down to do homework I start writing or reading instead. I can't think about anything. I have two papers due tomorrow morning by 10. I have no idea how I'll finish them but I have 13 hours so I should get started. I think I feel an all-nighter coming on. I hate all-nighters, they make me want to cry...

Current mood: awkward

Current music: iTunes Party Shuffle, yay!

Wednesday, March 8, 2006

11:05AM - ergh

hospitals... bleh. no fun.

Current mood: tired

Current music: some radio in the bathroom

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Saturday, January 7, 2006

2:21PM - change your mind

I really do hate how I never feel like I have enough money. I know this is the complaint of every other average American but it just bothers me. Why do we all have to have our lives revolve around stupid little pieces of paper just because someone once gave them power? I think I'm going to turn communist now. Ok, not really but seriously I need more money. The rich need to share with the less fortunate so the scales are balanced. I'll know by tomorrow if my financial situation will be alright or not. PLEASE LET IT BE OK!

Current mood: irked

Current music: Green Day

Thursday, December 29, 2005

11:59PM - no flipping way

I have to buy a new car. It came so suddenly. I love my car so much. It holds so many memories and has been so faithful. Our time together has been ended so suddenly. I'm depressed, overwhelmed, worried and not sure how this all work out. When I look back over the last year I see that it all started off on a bad foot (literally) so I pray that my New Year's Day this year will be absolutely amazing. If so then my hope for the new year will be encouraged. If anyone knows someone who is selling a car (a good quality car, no more junkers for me) please call me. I am looking for something around $5000 to $6000, preferably a toyota or subaru. If you really want to know why I need a new car or how Rusty Cherry was ripped from life, feel free to ask. I need to talk about it to help me heal *tear slowly rolls down my left cheek*. She was a good little car. She was good to me.













R.I.P. Rusty Cherry. You will be missed.

Current mood: depressed

Current music: my sobbing

Monday, December 5, 2005

11:40AM - Waaaaayyyyyyy too long

Well, it has almost been two whole months since I last wrote in here. Wow, that's a long time. That makes me a little unsure of what the heck to write. I am just starting my finals week. Today is my last day of classes (reviewing in Child Development and Christmas Carols in French). Straight from class I'm heading off to work and then coming back here to meet my lovely roommate and Javier for dinner. I have eaten in Gwinn so much less than I thought I would. It's great because now when I actually go to Gwinn I get such a huge welcome from all the people who are still in the dorms. They flip out because I am actually in Gwinn, I love it. Last time I went Courtney picked me up, Kadie hugged me so tight I thought I would burst and Jen was more excited than I ever see her. It was marvelous. Life has been alright. It's definitely been having it's ups and downs but God has blessed me with optimism. Despite my circumstances at times when I feel a little down, God sends me someone or something to pick me up. He's awesome. I have been challenged by Kellen to stop using the word awesome for things that are not truly 'awe inspiring'. It's been hard because I used to use that word so often. I still do but it's slowly being changed. I have been stretched and pulled, tossed all about and grown SO much this quarter. I owe a ton of that to Ufdn 2000 and Dr. Nienhuis. It's been great to see God working in my life but at times I feel so confused. Then, I get all excited just thinking of the infinite number of things I can learn. The best part is once I have learned a million times more than I know now, I have yet to even scratch the surface. Is this not the most exciting thing? Oh, I love God. With that, I must now go to class. Praise Jesus!!!!

Current mood: chipper

Current music: tick tock of my little white clock

Sunday, October 16, 2005

12:41PM - chickcalkdakkgnj

Hello. I'm fine. How are you? There's been so much going on but I love it all nonetheless. Yay for God!

Current mood: content

Current music: Fab and I chatting

Wednesday, October 5, 2005

11:14AM - PRAISE GOD!

Wow, so God has been amazing. I have been on a rollercoaster ride of emotions and events these last two weeks. I've been stressed over what's going on at home, loving school (as well as people here *wink, wink*), trying to get my feelings across to others but failing, and excited to see miracles happen all around me. God has recently revealed so much to me. I feel as if I have already been here for maybe two months but it has been just barely two weeks. It is as if God slowed down time for me so that I could truly enjoy every single one of his blessings in my life. Isn't time phenomenal? I cannot wait for the day that I will not be controlled and restricted by time. I cannot even imagine how incredible it must be to say that you are outside of time. No hours, no minutes... just me and my Lord.

I love my God and all He has given me. Despite all I have been going through He has kept my heart optimistic and my eyes toward His plan. My classes have taught me so much and I have only had them for a week and a half! Oh man, I am so overwhelmed with joy and fear, excitement and dread. How the Lord loves us, we can never know. To think that God loves you more than the very people who gave you life. That's unfathomable for my simple human mind. I know that either of my parents would give their life for me in an instant, the thought would not need to cross their mind. They would do so without thinking. Yet my Heavenly Father loves me more than that! How can that be true? I cannot understand a stronger love. God truly is awesome in the true meaning of the word. St. Augustine once said, "God loves each of us as if there were only one of us." That's hard to imagine. If I were the only person on earth, Christ would have still come and sacrificed himself for me.

It's crazy how much God can teach you if you just open yourself to Him. Through my classes, my experiences and my personal reflection I have learned so much about myself recently. Little things like I am insanely anal about keeping the apartment clean and then much bigger things that will affect the rest of my days. My fingers cannot keep up with my brain right now. I wish I could type faster!

"It is only when we no longer compulsively need someone that we can have a real relationship with them." -Anthony Storr
-I think this is entirely true for every human relationship but absolutely false when it comes to our relationship with our Savior. I think it is once we come to the breaking point of realizing how much we need God that we can truly have a relationship with Him. We must break down all walls between Him and us before any sliver of a relationship can be formed. A friend of mine said recently that in order to have a heart for the Lord, one must constantly be being broken and coming to a better understanding of Him. Only once we give up everything of our own (since it is from Him that it all came anyway) can we come to Him and say, "I want to be with you. I want to be your child and have a REAL relationship with you." The key to a relationship is that you relate. It is not a one way street. Whether it be your friend, brother, boyfriend, mom, dad or God; your relationship must be a two way street. In relation to God we often forget this. It is supposed to be take AND give, not just take take take. I love the Lord! Those are simple words but oh how powerful they are. People have been killed for speaking those words. We are so blessed in this country to be able to say that freely without any real persecution. Sure people may laugh, smirk or make fun but that is not persecution; that is not martyrdom. I mean, look at the blessings that surround me. I am sitting in a comfortable apartment with thousands of dollars worth of material things about me, writing about my excitement in the Lord on the internet. A public and very open form of communication. Yet no one is knocking down my door or tearing me away. Truly Awesome.

I will sing to the Lord
And I will lift my voice
For You have heard my cry

I will sing to the Lord
And I will lift my hands
For You have brought me out of the pit
For You have brought me out of the pit

And I'll sing glory, hallelujah
I lift Your name on high
And I'll sing holy, 'cause You're worthy
I'll praise You with the dance


............................................................................................................................................. -Casting Crowns
.................................................................................................................................. "Praise you with the dance"

Current mood: In awe

Current music: Casting Crowns!!!!

Sunday, September 4, 2005

12:36AM - She's got an old dog, it don't like me much

Today was a good day. I can't explain why exactly but it was. I was productive, spent time with both family and friends, and even had a few really good laughs. So here's how it went:
-Slept in early
-Got picked up by Fab in the sweet rental car
-Went to breakfast at Jazzy Bagels (Fab paid because she's pretty much the most generous person ever)
-Got all of the money situation for the apartment figured out and split up all the stuff
-Took a wonderful, long shower and listened to oldies while singing at the top of my lungs
-Cleaned up my room
-Cleaned up the house
-Turned in lots at Goodwill
-Went to library and checked out kickin' CDs
-Turned in lots of books and then got a ton more at Bearly Read Books, including awesome cook books
-Hung out with Josh and Chelsea for a bit
-Chatted with Steve on my way to Wal-Mart, decided to hang out later
-Spent too much time in Wal-Mart returning stuff (I HATE that place)
-Shoveled food in my mouth and gulped down a diet coke
-Went over to Steve's
-Played with Mercury (tsk tsk I know), talked with Steve's mom
-Went to Barnes and Noble, didn't buy anything
-Went to Steve's dad's apartment and listened to Brian Regan's stand up routine (he's hilarious!)
-Went cemetery hunting, saw Steve's old house and neighborhood but couldn't find the cemetery
-Drove down my favorite road, Deardorff
-Made a complete fool of myself, this is a good story. Steve drove me home and pulled in my driveway. My car wasn't there so I said, "Um, where's my car?" It was 11 something at night so it shouldn't be missing. Him and I both get out of the car and go inside. I notice my parents are both home and their vehicles are there. By this point Steve and I were thinking it was stolen (unlikely I know). I knock on my mom's door and ask her where my car is. As soon as she says, "What do you mean where's your car?" I start laughing because I realized that Steve and I had both forgot I drove to his house. I'm just used to him dropping me off and so is he. We realized this meant we needed to end the night since we were obviously so tired and out of it, so we went back to his house.
-Attempted to catch a loose dog on the way back to Steve's, no luck
-Said goodnight, laughed over our stupidity, the end.

Current mood: chipper

Current music: Two fans going "whirrrrrr"

Sunday, August 14, 2005

11:06PM - ALIGNVPOIMDFBSPOVKLMV

You know, the song says "you don't know what you've got till it's gone." Boy is that ever true. I never realized how blessed I was. My life used to be so easygoing, so simple. The hardest things I had to deal with were my friend's problems or stupid spats with my parents. Now, it's all different. I would trade in how everything is now for endless fights with friends and family. If only that were an option. If only that would make it all go away.

Current mood: upset

Current music: my fan

Friday, August 5, 2005

12:11AM - boop boop shoo bop

Things have been going alright. I have been working extra hours which has been nice for my bank account and my shopping sprees. I bought a new camera which is pretty dang exciting. I'll have to post some pictures from it. My uncle Ray visited us from New York. He came to take my dad to a Mariners game. They ended up not going because my dad wasn't up to it. Instead they went shooting (yes, with a gun) at Mt. Hood Forest. My uncle left on Sunday after his very short visit with us. We were Claus family free for only 3 full days. Tonight we picked up my dad's parents from the airport. They will be here for two weeks. It's nice that we have a spare bedroom for them now though. I work tomorrow. Then I have to drive to Tualatin to meet a house sitting client and get the keys to the house. Saturday morning, I meet another house sitting client to get the keys to her house, then off to Lowe's with Steve to hopefully get my money back on my crappy primer, then prettying myself up, and last but definitely not least - going to Fab's brother Gabe's wedding. She's going to come back to the house with me in Tualatin after the wedding so I don't have to be all alone in an unknown area and home. I am going to ask the Tualatin lady if I can bring Sierra with me because I am too scared to be there in that big house completely alone. At least if there is someone around Sierra will let me know, right? Yeah, so I'll be having a long commute these next couple of days. It is not worth what they're paying me but oh well. I came highly recommended so I couldn't say no. Or could I have? Oh exciting thing: today I bought stuff for our apartment's kitchen! I got cookbooks, recipe holders, silverware, organizers, stuff to decorate with and more. It was awesome. Jan, my boss' wife is having an estate sale Saturday and Sunday but she let me come pick out whatever I wanted to early. Nice, huh? I should probably get to bed in order to ensure I wake up in time for work tomorrow. On Tuesday night after Katie and Kirstin left I set the wrong time for my alarm and was an hour and a half late to work on Wednesday. Oops! I felt really bad. Ok, good night all and sweet dreams.

Current mood: pensive

Current music: my three fans blowing to keep me cool

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

6:45PM - Sheesh!

Wow, so much has happened since I last wrote anything. There's no way I could possibly fill in everything. Basically, I've been spending my time working, sleeping, hanging with the fam and friends, and the occasional hot date with Heath Ledger. I'm heading up to Spokane this weekend for my cousin's wedding. That should prove to be interesting. I'll get to see some peeps from school while I'm there though so I am super excited about that. Uh, peace.

Current mood: sleepy

Current music: nada

Monday, June 27, 2005

9:55PM - Phew

Well, all is well with Rusty Cherry. It was a simple fix that only cost us $19. God blessed me with being able to stop at the perfect time. Thank you Lord! Woo hoo! I still have my car!

Current mood: cheerful

Current music: my mom putting away the dishes, I should go help...

Navigate: (Previous 20 entries)

Ignorance isn't always bliss, or is it? (Latest 20 entries) (Calendar) (Friends) (User info) Navigate: (Previous 20 entries) Saturday, December 23, 2006 12:27PM - blankie pictures! From Blankets!!! 1... Here are the blankets we made. From Blankets!!! 1... From Blankets!!! 1... And here's us jumping on them :) We are taking these to a women and children's shelter in Portland. Merry Christmas to them! Current mood: amused

3 struck by cookie car-ma.| Enjoy!

Enjoy!

2 struck by cookie car-ma.| Enjoy!

1 struck by cookie car-ma.| Enjoy!

1 struck by cookie car-ma.| Enjoy!

3 struck by cookie car-ma.| Enjoy!

Enjoy!

2 struck by cookie car-ma.| Enjoy!

2 struck by cookie car-ma.| Enjoy!

Enjoy!

Enjoy!

1 struck by cookie car-ma.| Enjoy!

Enjoy!

2 struck by cookie car-ma.| Enjoy!

1 struck by cookie car-ma.| Enjoy!

1 struck by cookie car-ma.| Enjoy!

4 struck by cookie car-ma.| Enjoy!

2 struck by cookie car-ma.| Enjoy!

1 struck by cookie car-ma.| Enjoy!

1 struck by cookie car-ma.| Enjoy!

Advertisement Customize